So, this week is many ways reminds me of the inverse of the calm before the storm. For the past three weeks, there have been at least 5 tasks simultaneously vying for my attention, one being addressed only for another to pop into its place. There have been miniature deadlines for final projects, demands of sports(I was on the crew team), the needs of tutees, and finally the sensation of impending horror as exam week closed in, just to name a few. Then, exam week finally came, and I experienced many moments where I felt I would implode. Of course I managed to have 89/90 averages in three of my classes, and of course I was going to have to ace the final exams and projects in those classes to make it under the wire. And of course I’d had no time to study substantially in the weeks beforehand. So, this meant exam week was one heaping pile of readily made anxiety exacerbated by sleep deprivation and oodles of self-doubt. I had enjoyed it dearly, and now am I free.
I for the past two days (no school Friday) have sat at home and leisurely addressed various concerns that I have managed to successfully elude for most of the year under the guise of business. For example, I have been revising the first draft of the book I wrote during Nanowrimo*. That’s been pretty painful, but I’ve taken pleasure in that pain. Also, I believe I have a slight phobia of kidnapping that has steadily progressed as I’ve ignored it over the past year. Frankly, I am quite small for a 16 year old. At approximately 4”11’ (I’ve been quite intentional about not looking my exact height in the face), I am five inches under the national average. To confront this phobia, I took a walk to my local family dollar alone, reminding myself that the statistical probability of my kidnapping was low. The odds were in my favor. I’m still here. On to the next thing. I took the picture for my passport. I downloaded this app called “Passport Photo” that walks me through the guidelines and enables me to take it myself. We’re still working on filling out the papers, but taking this first step has further enforced that this whole going to France for a year thing is real.
I for the past two days (no school Friday) have sat at home and leisurely addressed various concerns that I have managed to successfully elude for most of the year under the guise of business. For example, I have been revising the first draft of the book I wrote during Nanowrimo*. That’s been pretty painful, but I’ve taken pleasure in that pain. Also, I believe I have a slight phobia of kidnapping that has steadily progressed as I’ve ignored it over the past year. Frankly, I am quite small for a 16 year old. At approximately 4”11’ (I’ve been quite intentional about not looking my exact height in the face), I am five inches under the national average. To confront this phobia, I took a walk to my local family dollar alone, reminding myself that the statistical probability of my kidnapping was low. The odds were in my favor. I’m still here. On to the next thing. I took the picture for my passport. I downloaded this app called “Passport Photo” that walks me through the guidelines and enables me to take it myself. We’re still working on filling out the papers, but taking this first step has further enforced that this whole going to France for a year thing is real.
All the while though I am deeply suspicious of this peace, this post school peace. I know that though inactivity is a gift and rarely given, leaning too heavily into this good fortune in the end can only hurt. Often, when we think we are free, it’s because we intentionally avoid addressing all that demands our attention. For me, that means preparation for Discovery* sessions at school, the job I am getting this summer as a robotics counselor ( I have verbal confirmation of a position but still need to work out scheduling as well as the very important issue of pay), and perhaps most importantly departure for France (passport, wardrobe, my verb conjugation capabilities). Though I occasionally gripe about the heartiness of my schedule, I think most of me enjoys it, thrives on it even. I can’t imagine myself finding a balance. I either must be laboring under the weight of a thousand to-dos or completely lost in the euphoric bliss that comes with the absolute refusal to do anything productive. I drift between both realms. If any of you are currently in that place where you are wanting to forsake all responsibilities, I will gladly serve as your guilty pleasure and give you this link: http://jolisabrownportfolio.weebly.com One of those final projects I was talking about above was the creation of a website that housed a sampling of the writings I have done throughout the year; poetry, prose, and all that good stuff. If you want to read some, check it out. Otherwise, I’ll see you next time.
Much love,
Jolisa
*Nanowrimo-National Novel Writing Month, a movement in which writers try to hammer out 50,000 words of a book in the 30 day span of November
*Discovery session- a typically two week expedition in which Westminster(my school) freshman are taken into nature for two hours a day and at the end share a 3 day, uninterrupted nature excursion; upperclassmen lead sessions
Much love,
Jolisa
*Nanowrimo-National Novel Writing Month, a movement in which writers try to hammer out 50,000 words of a book in the 30 day span of November
*Discovery session- a typically two week expedition in which Westminster(my school) freshman are taken into nature for two hours a day and at the end share a 3 day, uninterrupted nature excursion; upperclassmen lead sessions