My childhood was characterized by many anxieties, most of them being illogical but still asserting themselves just as forcefully as any other fear. For example I went through a stage where I was absolutely petrified of decisions. Just the abstract concept would send me down the rabbit hole of existential musings, as I contemplated the tragedy of a lost opportunity or of an alternate iteration of you sacrificed in exchange for who you had become. That fear was eventually replaced by an burdensome aversion to social interaction. The rapid fire conversations of my peers left me mute, as I often felt unable to relate to the subject of conversation. I did not find the same jokes funny. The TV shows so many of the other kids watched were foreign to me. I dreaded the recurring feeling of incompatibility and deep down inside feared that I never would be able to overcome what might have just been a difference in wiring. Later, there came a fear of kidnapping, which among all of my fears may have been the most grounded in reality.
But now having finished a year and begun anew, it has been shockingly clear just how much progress I have made since my pre-adolescence. Over the dinner table my host mother said to me “Tu es un adult maintenant”. And though initially the concept seemed inconceivably erroneous, I realized upon further consideration its valor. The girl who once upon a time could not enter a room of new people without having her stomach drop has left her home to live with a new family. The kid who once could not tolerate the idea of having to give up an art class to take music now without any trouble is planning trips to Spain and cities hours away borne from nothing but an abstract desire to do something different. The girl who subconsciously linked her diminutiveness with being a potential victim now commands two languages with the prowess and confidence of someone who has realized their world is whatever they decide they want it to be.
Surreally, this new world I am living in has appointed me the role of an adult. I, since arriving in France, have learned to take care of myself in a way that has never been asked of me before. I registered myself for the SAT this weekend. I myself schedule meetings with teachers back home to make sure I am still in the loop about academic matters. I plan my own vacations and manage a budget that I made for myself. I have shed so much of what I let inhibit me back home, and with the catalyst of a change in environment, I have made some changes in myself that I will make sure to grip tightly when I go home. And meanwhile, I imagine that in the months to come there still will be much change to do. I will be visiting Bordeaux this weekend with some friends, and I imagine that this new place as well will bring to the forefront some other aspect of who I am that perhaps up until now has not had the opportunity to emerge. In the break following I will be returning to Paris, this time not in the midst of a national crisis. In the following week, I will be visiting some different cities in Spain and plan as well to later participate in a politics conference in Luxembourg. My identity has now transcended the place where I lived for my entire life and has grown to include the world at large and all its happenings. While I visit these places, I too am a contributor. I share just as much as I am shown. Forever, self discovery is a journey, and one that I eagerly plunge into.